The Wondrous Pirate Adventure of FFX!
by Avelera
Summary: A pirate take on Final Fantasy X! Language, mischief, talking breasts and Oedipal syndrome abound! Read or Pirate Auron will stick ye with a harpoon. Yar! In all seriousness this is my first straightout comedy nonetheless ICness was attempted


**The Wondrous Pirate Adventure of FFX! **

Disclaimer: All recognizable character belong to Squaresoft/Final Fantasy etc. Oh, and one of the quotes is from Pirates of the Caribbean

Author Note: Well here you have it, folks. My very first "insane randomness" fic. It was indeed written during the wee hours of the morning and there is indeed no plot, despite the title. The idea came from a chat I was having with RhiannaAurora about Auron getting an eyepatch and becoming Pirate!Auron. I even made a recording of what he would sound like (except I sound like one of the witch's from Macbeth) which can be found in my LiveJournal under the screename Athena799 entry date March 23, 2005. Any characters out of character (such as Auron) are written so on purpose for the sake of humor. With that in mind, please enjoy!

* * *

"Yar," a voice growled in Tidus ears and then from somewhere below as the boy rocketed three feet straight up into the air. "'Tis a fine ship, is she not? Been sailing for fifteen years now, and nearly eight of those in the water! Fancy comin' aboard?" While Tidus had been warned at a young age not to follow strange men who whispered in his ear he decided to follow anyway because it was not everyday one is accosted by a crazy pirate with an eye-patch and a bright red coat that was mysteriously lacking one sleeve. 

The ship was marvelous indeed, ship-shape and watertight in the harbor, bearing the proud figure head of a Ronso warrior with a broken horn, staring mournfully into the distance almost as if it was saying, "Kimahri not want to be figurehead". But of course that was just Tidus' imagination acting up.

Just short of the gangplank the pirate rounded on Tidus, freezing him in place with his terrifying cycloptic gaze, "Yar, boy-o, do ye have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?"

"Uh…yes?" Tidus said, not entirely sure what was going on.

"Good choice! I be pirate Auron, boy-o but this be _your_ story! I be but an old salt now but I'm fixin' to have my revenge on the great whale Sin that ate me best mate Jecht 10 years ago…yar…"

"Jecht was my father!" Tidus exclaimed.

"Yar, and Sin _be_ Jecht," pirate Auron replied.

"_WHAT?" _Tidus exclaimed, fully prepared to enter the seven steps of accepting death at the possibility of accepting his father was a giant marauding fish that ate cities for breakfast.

"Never mind, I don't know where that came from," grabbing Tidus wrist, pirate Auron hauled the struggling boy onboard and with a mighty 'Yar!' cast off the ropes and heaved the gangplank into the water while Tidus lay dazed on the deck. "Cap'n Yuna! I be gettin' you your new cabin boy!" Auron shouted and from behind a wheel that stood at least six feet in diameter a tiny white hand waved a small voice, barely audible over the crashing surf, called back, "Thank you… Auron. I'll be with him… in a minute. Have the Cook take care of him… for now."

"The Cook!" Tidus' voice cracked as he struggled to his feet. "You're going to _eat_ me!" Maybe following crazy pirates that whispered in his ear _wasn't_ such a good idea. Crazy pirates were a dime a dozen these days, it was nothing to get excited about… even if they did have cool red coats….

"You bet! Blonds go good with salted fish, ya?" a towering man with a spike of orange hair rising like a deranged flower petal from the top of his head appeared from below deck, wiping his hands on his large, off-white apron. And the site of the stark, sea-green horror on Tidus' face the orange giant laughed uproariously and slapped him on the back hard enough to knock out Tidus' remaining baby teeth. "I'm just jokin', ya? The only person takin' a bite out of you will prob'ly be the Captain if you know what I mean," the Cook said, wagging an eyebrow and poking his elbow repeatedly into Tidus' stomach.

"Uh…no I don't?" Tidus said weakly.

"You don't?" the Cook scratched the back of his neck then shrugged, "Well, I guess you're a bit young," he chuckled to himself which did nothing for Tidus' nerves. "You're in for a wild ride, ya!"

Tidus assumed he meant the ship.

* * *

After a week out at sea, Tidus knew he had been right about the Cook's 'wild ride'. At first he had wondered maybe…but nah. After a few days of hanging over the side of the deck while Cook proffered more and more greasy and disgusting dishes, waving them in his face until Tidus'complexion matched the sauce, then whipping the dish away just in time; Tidus figured things couldn't get anymore wild. 

It wasn't until the third day that Tidus had snatched the dish away in a berserk fit of rage. But his stomach had not agreed with the brilliance of his plan and decided to empty itself anyway…onto the dish.

This in the end _had _been a brilliant move on the part of his stomach! Cook screamed like a girl as Tidus chased him around the ship with his own torture device. Haha! Revenge was sweet.

Cleaning duty was not.

Once over his sickness the mysterious Captain Yuna (who still had not made an appearance) assigned him his duties as cabin boy which could be summed up quite easily as all the crap no one else, not even the Cook, wanted to do.

And in the end what _was_ the point of baling out the bilge? All it did was filling with water anyway. But then, Cook had said…

"Greetings thar boy-o!" a familiar voice called from the shadows where Tidus once again found himself mopping the still-damp floor. Tidus turned and saw what looked like a small potato hanging in front of his face, its twin mouths flaring. _"Eeyaaargh_!" Tidus screamed and punched it with all his might, reveling momentarily in his victory against the dreaded legume when suddenly a fist-shaped train decided to fight back on behalf of its buddy. Tidus felt himself lifted off the ground and suddenly he was flying…but he was sort of sitting down at the same time which was a relief when he hit the ground, bounced and slid into a closet. After he got his eyes to uncross, he found himself looking at the same potato only this time he saw the rest of pirate Auron's face as well. There was a blonde girl sitting on his shoulder but Tidus wouldn't put money on it just yet as there was also little flowers dancing through the air and he certainly couldn't _smell_ any flowers!

"I would like to introduce ye to me monkey…Rikku," Auron growled pleasantly. The girl waved merrily back at Tidus.

"Uh…monkey?" Tidus said dazedly. It _could_ be monkey but…no, not enough hair. And no funny lips. Monkeys had funny lips.

"Yar!" Auron replied heartily, "And there be not a finer monkey in the world, me boy-o!"

"Monkey?" This time the question was directed at Rikku-the-monkey-that-was-probably-a-girl.

She shrugged, "Hey, if that's his kink."

Tidus could do nothing but agree.

* * *

A week later a strange sort of routine had settled on the good ship Airship. Cook cooked, Captain Yuna captained, and Tidus did everything else. No one was really sure what Auron did, except hunt for the great fish Sin that had supposedly eaten Tidus' dad without Tidus' knowledge. 

In one of those rare moments when there was no work to be done, Tidus found himself sitting with the rest of the crew on the deck, wondering vaguely whether or not Captain Yuna really _did_ eat blonds, while Auron played with his monkey and Cook stared up at the crows nest. Tidus was not really sure why Cook did this until whatever was up there decided to talk back.

"Land, ho!" A husky voice called from and Tidus found himself staring into the face of a pair of breasts that could probably be seen from space. Ostensibly, there was a face somewhere behind them and a woman too, maybe. But this was just a wild guess based on a few stray braids and the fact that Tidus had yet to meet another disembodied pair of talking breasts.

"Ai, lass! Large, lush tracts of land! Plenty for every man with a will!" Auron shouted back suggestively. Cook just stared and after a while a thin trail of saliva began to make a wild bid for freedom.

"That's…Lulu," A soft voice whispered just above his ear. At this point Tidus was getting used to it and his mother had never said anything about _female_ voices… He turned and saw the prettiest girl face he had seen, well, _ever_ on this ship. She had breasts too, but they didn't talk, which was an unexpected relief. "She sometimes…talks…less than Kimahri," Yuna giggled prettily and Tidus knew it was Fate that had brought them together. All his life he had dreamed of a pretty brunette who would be utterly smitten with him, and who would talk slowly enough to keep him from getting confused. Exactly like his mother.

Mmm….mother….

"Isn't Kimahri the figurehead?"

"Mmhmm…" Yuna nodded and giggled again. Tidus couldn't help it, that laughter…so infectious it was like a plague. Before they knew it they were rolling on the deck, Yuna's stutter forgotten as they laughed their brains out. The rest of the crew, even Auron's monkey, began backing away…slowly.

Finally unable to breathe anymore they sat and found themselves looking deep into each others blue-blue-green-blue eyes. "Too…funny," Yuna smiled.

"Yeah," Tidus smiled.

"I…like you," her eyes lightened at a sudden thought. Tidus was almost envious. "Come with…me."

"Are we going underwater?" Tidus said eagerly.

"Uh…no," for some reason this depressed Tidus and that depression only deepened when he found himself in the captains quarters. The centerpiece was a large plush bed graced with a coverlet depicting various blond idols. It was a good thing he was a bottle blon- hello bed.

"Yuna?" Tidus found himself staring up at the towering figure of his moth- the girl of his dreams. He wondered briefly where the riding crop had come from.

"That's Captain Yuna, bitch!"

There was very little talking after that.

* * *

A/N: That's all folks! I do not intend to add anymore chapters as this is not my type of story. However, if I do get some sort of overwhelming positive response I may consider. 

As always, please review!


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